1.10.2010

Life Changes

I knew this was going to happen, but I still wasn't prepared for it.

At 41 weeks, 4 days, I will be induced and, hopefully, by this time tomorrow I'll have a healthy baby boy.

The problem with being induced, with scheduling a date for this life change, is that it brings up the other life change that I've experienced recently. I wasn't prepared for having to re-examine everything tonight.

On September 20th, 2009, my husband of 6 years, ~9 months told me he was in love with someone else. I thought it was over, but he still wanted to go to counseling and try to make it work. On September 26th, 2009 he told me he didn't want to make it work. On December 26th, 2009, one day shy of what would have been our 7th anniversary, we signed our MSA and mailed it off.

Each of those days set me off on a crying fit. Each made me think my world had been destroyed. It had. The life that I knew was gone. Everything was unpredictable. I agreed to the divorce. I haven't been happy for a while, but couldn't figure out why. When the person you're married to doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, it can be quite frustrating and very confusing. You try all sorts of things to get them to spend time with you, or at least seem to want you around. When none of it works, you might think this is the way it's supposed to be and give up. Or you run. And bike. And swim. But I digress...

This was not the way I envisioned it, when I first got pregnant. There was no induction. There was no divorce or single parenthood.

The best part, really, is that the woman he's in love with is a friend of ours. I know, it's nice. I'm not sure that we'll ever be friends again, but at least I know I can stand her.

The worst part? The broken promises. The promise that I wouldn't go through this pregnancy alone, yet as soon as I told him I couldn't deal with him and his new girlfriend he pretty much avoided me. He got a bit better near the end, but I still felt like I was a job.

So I go into my induction with some apprehension, but also with the knowledge that tomorrow is all about me and the bean. I'm no longer thinking about my ex-husband's feelings. I took them into account for too long during this process, putting mine aside because I was thinking about what would be best for the bean. But the bean won't know who was there when he's born. If it's too much for me to have my ex there, I'll call in my back ups or do it on my own. I know I can.

It's not who you are underneath - it's what you do that defines you. ~Batman Begins

7 comments:

Mistyfied said...

Hang in there girlie. You can do this. I am very happy for you, mommy.

So sorry to hear of your divorce and the circumstances of it. How awful.

Glenn Jones said...

Touching post Yas. Thank you for sharing with us.

I think that there is an important lesson here that most of us never learn - live life for yourself #1. It may sound selfish, but it's not fair to live life for someone else, unless that someone else is living their life for you....

Delane said...

Focus on the positives

I know, easier said than done.

Sorry to hear about the divorice et.al.

Can't wait to see pics of the bean.

Yasmin said...

Misty, we were having problems before his announcement. It wasn't the cause of our problems at all.

Jo said...

I love you to pieces. But, hopefully you already know that. I cannot wait to see you again and meet your son when I am back in CA in a few weeks. *hugs*

Al's CL Reviews said...

(((Yas)))

I know the Bean has been born by now, so congrats!

I'm sorry about the divorce, but like everyone said here live for yourself. When you are truly happy, those around you feel it and are happy too.

Love ya!

Viv said...

Yas so sorry to hear you had to endure through so much during your pregnancy. I knew something was going but could not guess it would be this. I do know that your life just changed for the better with sweet baby Nathan in your corner.