Life Changes

I knew this was going to happen, but I still wasn't prepared for it.

At 41 weeks, 4 days, I will be induced and, hopefully, by this time tomorrow I'll have a healthy baby boy.

The problem with being induced, with scheduling a date for this life change, is that it brings up the other life change that I've experienced recently. I wasn't prepared for having to re-examine everything tonight.

On September 20th, 2009, my husband of 6 years, ~9 months told me he was in love with someone else. I thought it was over, but he still wanted to go to counseling and try to make it work. On September 26th, 2009 he told me he didn't want to make it work. On December 26th, 2009, one day shy of what would have been our 7th anniversary, we signed our MSA and mailed it off.

Each of those days set me off on a crying fit. Each made me think my world had been destroyed. It had. The life that I knew was gone. Everything was unpredictable. I agreed to the divorce. I haven't been happy for a while, but couldn't figure out why. When the person you're married to doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, it can be quite frustrating and very confusing. You try all sorts of things to get them to spend time with you, or at least seem to want you around. When none of it works, you might think this is the way it's supposed to be and give up. Or you run. And bike. And swim. But I digress...

This was not the way I envisioned it, when I first got pregnant. There was no induction. There was no divorce or single parenthood.

The best part, really, is that the woman he's in love with is a friend of ours. I know, it's nice. I'm not sure that we'll ever be friends again, but at least I know I can stand her.

The worst part? The broken promises. The promise that I wouldn't go through this pregnancy alone, yet as soon as I told him I couldn't deal with him and his new girlfriend he pretty much avoided me. He got a bit better near the end, but I still felt like I was a job.

So I go into my induction with some apprehension, but also with the knowledge that tomorrow is all about me and the bean. I'm no longer thinking about my ex-husband's feelings. I took them into account for too long during this process, putting mine aside because I was thinking about what would be best for the bean. But the bean won't know who was there when he's born. If it's too much for me to have my ex there, I'll call in my back ups or do it on my own. I know I can.

It's not who you are underneath - it's what you do that defines you. ~Batman Begins